I Wish I Wish I Wish

I am full of wishes, all kinds of wishes.  I wish I could go to Santa Barbara, I wish I didn’t want to go.  I wish I lived there and only visited here.  I wish I could let all of my past go, completely  let it go, and have no attachment to it.  I wish I had more money. I wish there was no need for money and I never had to concern myself with it again.  I wish everyone had all the money they could possibly wish for.  I wish I was a better person, smarter, more perceptive, thinner and richer even (as if those things made one a better person).  I wish I was younger, but smarter younger.  I wish I was an orphan.  I wish my parents left me tons of money.  I wish my parents were here, now, with no judgement.  I wish they cherished me.  I wish my relationship with my siblings was better. I wish I was an only child.  I wish I would have moved to Hawaii when I had the chance.  I wish I’d never left New York.  I wish I’d never left California.  I wish I would have moved anywhere except back here.  I wish when I was making all these choices I’d had a little pre-cognition about what my wishes truly were.

I wish I was married to the perfect man.  I wish I was perfect.  I wish I was enlightened and no more need for wishes. I wish God would speak to me again.  I wish I was completely psychic.  I wish I was more intelligent.  I wish I was an artist.  I wish I could have a different career.  I really wish there was no reason for anyone to have a career.

I wish I could be wildly eccentric. I wish I had more help with life.  I wish I would have planned my life.  I wish there was no need for planning, anything.  I wish all the reading I have done counted for a PhD.  I wish I worked at what I just loved. I wish I could travel.  I wish I was fearless.  I wish I was good down to my bones. I wish I knew what the point is.  I wish I could relax.  I wish I could believe.  I wish I had Faith.   I wish I was filled with hope.  I wish I was more positive.  I wish I knew what Truth is.

I wish all my wishes would go away so I could be at peace.

What’s true in the above? I will, I would, I could.  I can?  What?

Is it all completely meaningless?  Are all my choices simultaneously going on right now.

Then I wish to be conscious of it.

I wish I was at peace, and God would speak with me.  It stands to reason if I was at peace, God would speak to me.  Maybe God is speaking to me all the time; I just have too many wishes to hear.

I wish I knew what was true, and Truth!!!, the big T.  Don’t I in some connected part of myself know what Truth is right now.  So the question is how do I tap into it.  I wish I would tap into it.

Would I like to travel the world, as an artist, a perfect woman, physic and enlightened.

Or just go to Cancun by myself and be left alone.

Does having wishes set one up for being unhappy?  A good question would be; is anybody really happy, what is happiness? Or maybe what would life be without wishes? Or happiness?

I do wish I was fearless, can’t I just decide to be that way, and move on?

Why do we have wishes?  Because sometimes wishes come true.

What a bunch of crap this is, an exercise in futility if ever there was one.

I wish all my wishes would just go away so I can be at peace.

Oh fleeting, passing contentment, I am longing for you.